Voices Carry

A sociology professor is visiting the newsroom, interviewing everyone about changes to the industry in an effort to save our livelihood. We are the fifth newspaper he’s shadowing. I sat down with him for a one-on-one yesterday and really hope he meant it when he said all responses were confidential, or else I can kiss my job good-bye.

The Theme Is …

I love giving presents. Unfortunately my job doesn’t not give me the cash flow I need to give all the presents I want (I knew I should have been a university professor).

I’m a planner, so that helps keep my gift shopping in check. While I;m not a great saver, I have learned to set aside money when I can for birthday presents, Christmas presents, etc. I’m also better as saving receipts, so I can return those darn impulse buys. Clipping coupons, taking advantage of store discounts, etc. also are part of my shopping regimen.

My husband says I prepare for grocery shopping the way other countries prepare for war.

The thing about me, though, is that I like my gifts to have a theme. I’m very big with themes. When a good friend was married a few years ago, I bought her a newleywed cookbook, a gift card to the grcery store and a cookbook holder. In lieu of a bow, I used heart-shaped cookie cutters in several sizes. Another friend had popcorn bowls on her registry, so I bought those and included a couple boxes of microwave popcorn and a movie rental gift card. For my 10 year wedding anniversary, I bought my husband 10 $10 gift cards. I then hid them all over the house (he worked from home the day of our anniversary) and looked forward to his e-mail every time he found another one. (Bonus! I knew when he folded the laundry because I hung one card over the dryer.)

A good friend of mine is expecting her first baby in a month. I already hosted a baby shower for her, but I will send a gift once the baby is born. Being a reader, I think I’ll make it a book-themed present, but I want to do more than just send a pile of baby books.

Any thoughts?

10 Years, Baby!

My husband and I celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary today. The year we got married, so did six other couples. Half have since divorced. Seeing as we were regarded as the “shotgun marriage” — we had known each other less than a year and were expecting — it’s kind of funny that we reached our first decade.

Being married is not easy. To be honest, there were time I didn’t think we’d make it to 10 years. But I can honestly say our relationship now is stronger than its ever been. We enjoy being each other. We’ve learned how to talk to each other. We don’t let the little things become big things. And when a fight is over, it’s done. There is no rehashing. Someone asked me today what are secret is, seeing as we have demanding careers and two young children as home. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer, but here’s my advice.

 1. Like each other. When you first are attracted to someone, there’s all this passion. Passion fades. If you don’t like the person you marry, you won’t have much to fall back on when the passion is no longer there.

2. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. We saw a marriage counselor for almost two years. There’s no shame in that. She helped us learn how to talk to each other. I readily tell my friends having marriage issues to seek help. If anything, a counselor provides a non-biased views of the issue. Our counselor saw us together once a week for 18 months. We both had one private session, but we were not allowed to talk about our spouse during that time. I thank her for her fairness.

3. Spend time together. You don’t have to do the same thing or even like the same thing. My husband and I have very little in common in terms of interests, but we find ways to spend together. Recently we’ve been watching all the iconic movies of the 1980s we never saw, like “Fletch” and “Airplane!” We saw “The Godfather” for the first time on Bravo a couple of months ago and make a weekend out of viewing the trilogy.

4. Spend time apart. You know how you love your best friend, but after awhile he or she starts to get on your nerves? Your spouse isn’t any different.

5. Don’t expect your spouse to be your best friend. I can’t stand people who say they married their best friend! I love my husband and he is a great friend, but he’s not my best friend because she is the person I go to when he’s driving me nuts. Again, don’t be afraid to have relationships/friendships beyond your marriage. You need them!

6. Trust, trust, trust. It is the most important aspect of a marriage. You have to trust your spouse. You have to trust them with finances, with your children, with your life. You have to let him go out with his friends and not call every 15 minutes to ask why he isn’t home yet. He has to trust you to do the same. Our marriage counselor was amazed at the amount of trust my husband and I have for each other. Yes, our marriage was in rough shape, but it wasn’t because he’d be out one night and I’d go out the next. I never once considered cheating, nor did he. It’s a deal breaker for us and, knowing that, makes it so much easier to live our lives together and apart. If you are keeping secrets from your spouse, whether its a credit card bill he doesn’t know about or the fact that you and your former college boyfriend are facebook friends, come clean. It’s isn’t worth it. Remember, if you think something is wrong, it’s wrong.

7. Love each other. It’s so easy to get caught up in day-to-day living and forget to show your spouse how much he or she means to you. Do something every day to show you care. It can be a quick back rub before falling asleep, a kiss on the cheek as you leave for work, unloading the dishwasher without being asked, giving him control of the remote control, or a “I’m thinking of you” text. It’s the little things that mean the most.

You Can Learn A Lot Of Things From The Flowers

My daughter wants a nickname. My son has one — a shorter version of his given name. Since she has a short name, we add letters and syllables to her name and say that her nickname, or call her Sug (short for sugar — not Suge Knight) or Memmy Pie (I don’t know how that started). But that’s not good enough for her.

Last fall, she told me her nickname was Rose and to call her that. She doesn’t have red hair. Neither of her two middle names are related to Rose — or any other flower for that matter. I said no, I liked her name. and I was going to call her that. Fast forward to this weekend and, while at a baby shower, she goes up to a group and says “I like carnations. So you can call me that.”

If she’s like this at eight, I don’t want to know what life will be like at 14.

Books Are Fun, Books Are Great

I love my library. I live in one of the most literary communities in the world (seriously, the town has made international lists recognizing that fact) and the public library is always jumping. My husband and I took the kids to the library last weekend and had to walk through crowds — something that never happened the years we lived in Missouri.

My goal this year was to read all of the books in my ”to read” pile. The problem is my “to read” pile is actually a five-shelf bookshelf, stuffed with books. And some, I’m finding, I bought so long ago that my tastes have changed, yet I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. (Note: I donated about 300 paperbacks to Goodwill last summer, when we moved into our new house.)

That’s where the library enters the equation. I have been good about not buying books and adding to my “to read” pile, but instead of reading those, I go to the library and check out what I normally would by. Better for the checkbook? Yes. Helping me meet my goal of actually ridding our home of some of its books? No.

I finished Susan Elizabeth Phillip’s What I Did For Love last night. A cute, quick read about a former sitcom actress who went through a very public divorce and finds herself married to her arch enemy after a crazy night in Vegas. Since her husband left her for another actress determined to save the world, I think Jennifer Aniston was Phillip’s inspiration. A cute read. I recommend it.

I also finished Jen Lancaster’s Such A Pretty Fat. Why did I wait so long to read her books? I love her!

I’m on my library’s waiting list for the latest JD Robb book, so this weekend (the only weekend this month where none of us have plans) is the perfect opportunity to tackle my Everest and finish a book or two from the “to read” pile.

Wish me luck!

For The Cure

Today was one of those days when a word, any word, sparked a whole new conversation. It began with one colleague talking about The Office and how much she loves it (and why wouldn’t she?). Everyone started quoting their favorite episodes, music got into the conversation, one person started dancing (all of our editors were in a meeting), and then Journey became part of the conversation. I’m not quite sure how one goes from Michael Scott’s 5K Run to benefit rabies to Journey, but it was nice to have a normal (OK, odd) conversation for a change. This place has been so depressing since the layoffs.

C Is For Cookie

My daughter is in Girl Scouts/Brownies. This is her first year. And I got suckered into being the troop leader. I don’t know what I’m doing half of the time, but luckily my troop consists of nine 7, 8 and 9-year-old girls. They don’t know what’s going on either.

We sold Girl Scout cookies last month. Those things are much easier to offload than the overpriced popcorn my son had to sell for Boy Scouts. But now we’re at the delivering part of it and, really, there’s other things I rather do on the evenings I’m home. I was so proud of her for selling nearly 300 boxes of cookies, I forgot we’d have to traipse all over our neighborhood again to make deliveries and pick up money. Luckily, people are thrilled when they open the door and see her standing there, holding a box of Thin Mints or Caramel deLites (formerly Samoas).

When did Caramel deLites/Samoas become so popular? I’m not a coconut fan, so I can’t relate, but box for box, E. told as many of those as Thin Mints. I’m a Shortbread cookie girl myself, although the Lemonades are good, too.

The troop made nearly $600 from all of our cookie pushing. The girls want to go camping. Hell no!

‘Cause I’m A Dentist, And A Success!

Ah, Steve Martin. How I loved you in Little Shop of Horrors.

I have dentists on the brain, as I see mine this afternoon. I broke a tooth. Not just a chip, the tooth. The whole thing? Gone. I look like a meth addict. Or someone from backwater Kentucky. She better be able to give me a quick fix today before I go in for a crown because this whole not smiling thing isn’t working. Then again, we have more layoffs at work this week, so it’s not like anyone wonders why I’m not smiling.

Strangely enough, CNN had a story about a woman who superglued her teeth because she can’t afford the dentist. OK, I hate going to the dentist and there are other ways I can spend the money I’ll have to shell out to fix my teeth, but home repair for dental care is not the answer!

All I Have To Do Is Dream

Everyone deals with stress differently. Some people eat. Some people exercise. Some people get mad. Some go in total denial.

Six weeks have passed since my company dropped the bombshell that change was underway. I’ve updated my resume, wrote a cover letter, and compiled a list of references that include a former editor as well as my fellowship director. I’ve had two interviews and felt they went well. My husband did the same. I’ve worried off and on these past few weeks — it’s kind of hard not to given the state of the economy — but really thought we’d be OK. But on Friday my current editor filled some job titles, all editor-type positions. My husband wasn’t one of them.

Being married to the guy, I’m naturally biased, but if you were to oput his resume up against the guy who was hired, my opinion is completely justified. My husband has been an editor. He’s held national leadership positions in his field. He’s won national writing awards and was the only person in the sports department to win two state writing awards earlier this month. The person who got the job has never been a supervisor and covers just one sports team, but because it is the most popular, his stories get the most hits online and that is what our editor based his decision on. I don’t wish the person who got the job ill will, but he has no idea what he’s in for.

If our editor is going to base the new positions on online hits rather than a proven track record of success, I’m screwed. Half of the time our online editor is too freaking lazy to even post my stories — but I’m willing to bet he gets to keep his job. Grrr.

So I’m stressed. And usually when I’m stressed, I lose my appetite, which is a good thing. I also want to sleep. A lot. And that is a sign that I’m not only stressed, but depressed. And I don’t want to go there.

So what do I do?

You Are Nothing To Me

I’m stubborn. I admit it. Who doesn’t like getting their own way? Still, I don’t think I’m stubborn to the point where I continue to believe my way is the right way when it obviously is not (although my husband might claim otherwise). That’s stupid stubborn. No one likes to be wrong, but I’m big enough to admit when I am.

The instances in which I’m stubborn are a person screwing me over – they no longer have a place in my life; a store pissing me off and so I’ll no longer shope there; or that really gross TV news report about rats in the kitchen of Taco Bell in New York City. I haven’t eaten at a Taco Bell since.

Then there’s being stubbornly independent. As one of six kids, you learn to get by on your own early in life. And I learned quickly that the less you rely on others, the less likely you will be disappointed. I’m not saying I had a crappy childhood — it was pretty great — but the little things I do for my kids are the things my parents never had time to do.

Still, despite my idiosyncrasies, I consider myself a good friend. I care about the people in my life and do what I can do show that. While I’m not the overly sappy type, I’m a good listener. If someone is hurting, I’m there for them. If someone needs to talk, give me a call. If they need to bitch, I’m your girl. Feel like going out to dinner and laughing over nothing? I’m there. I don’t forget birthdays, anniversaries, kids’ birthdays, etc. But I get frustrated when all my efforts at maintaining a friendship (e-mails, letters, phone calls) aren’t returned.

As you get older, the people who were once so important in your life are edged by distances, different lifestyles, etc. In the past, I’ve done what I can to maintain relationships with an old friend from high school or a college roommate, but after awhile, it’s time to let go. I don’t like cutting people from my life, but I’ve learned to let go of people who didn’t put forth some effort at maintaining our friendship. It’s better than getting angry at their lack of effort and ruining all memories I have of that person. That doesn’t mean if they were to call me out of the blue or send me an e-mail, I wouldn’t be thrilled to hear from them, but life is too short to waste it on something that will never be what you want it to be.